And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
