Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
