The beer is more important than you right now.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
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How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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