can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
