At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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