evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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