You're my little dorito
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
