now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
