How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
