i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
