Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
