My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
