Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
