Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
