Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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