I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
