one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
