I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
