life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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