i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
