just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
