I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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