Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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