Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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