i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
