i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
