my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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