I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
