Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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