I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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