Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
