Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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