I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
In America we eat man semen.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
