When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
