I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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