omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
