he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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