I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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