I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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