I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
