Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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