Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
