My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
