My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
