I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
