So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
