sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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