shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
