you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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