You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
