I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry about my life...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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