Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
