maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
