I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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