I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
