so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
