Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
